Sinister Soybeans

I am fairly certain that soybeans are attempting world domination.
These hairy little legumes are as Wikipedia describes it, "small, inconspicuous, [and] self-fertile". I am pretty sure that there is some extra large Master Bean lying somewhere underneath Beijing, pale white and pulsating.

At first, the soybean was just a seemingly innocent and useless plant being utilized for fertilizer. Now these things are everywhere! They're trying to replace salt, milk, and turkey! And as if it's not bad enough, they're trying to replace the staple diet of meat!

After interrogation (not by torture of course, for that would be inlegume), a bean revealed to me that the plan was to replace every one of our food sources and then secrete some hormone that allows them to exert mind-control over us. Rumor has that the soybeans may have been genetically engineered by North Koreans* to become a sentient hive organism.

The soybean's also have a contingency plan. They display temporary "beneficial" effects, deluding health conscious people to increase their demands for more soy products. Rain forests have been cleared away to make room for soy farms, attributing to less rainfall in the region, where clean water is not always available. In fact, planting soy fields is worse than using the same land to graze cows.

According to Douglas Adam's Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy:

[Each] major Galatic civilization tends to pass through through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases.
For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question How can we eat? the second by the question Why do we eat? and the third by the question Where shall we have lunch?

Humans, as a civilization, have surely gotten to the point of Sophistication. As a Sophisticated species, have developed techniques to synthesize flavorful foods. It would be unseemly for us to regress to the point of eating a compost-heap of soy "meat", which is bland, gray, textureless**, as well as detrimental. Soy contains phytoestrogens, which simulates the effects of the female signature hormones and phytates, which hampers the absorption of minerals. This could be a problem for boys, who if fed soy products at an early age may find themselves with small mammary glands and/or small penises.

Finally, processed foods are becoming notorious for causing cancer and other bad things, so why take the chance of eating mechanically-separated patties made from pesticide-sprayed soy grown on farms worked by cheap labor where quality-check is unheard of? So spare yourselves and eat the real thing. Eat meat!

*Unverified sources.
** Verified primary source: try it yourself. Nutritional information. Beneficial information disregarded.