Fundraising Poll

I would like to thank everyone who voted for participating in my poll.

The topic seems weird, but I was applying to my school's newspaper, and part of the application was to list fundraising ideas.

While filling out the rest of my application, I was mainly pro-carnivore. While saying, "meatmeatmeatmeat", which if you notice says "eat meat", it hit me that I could sell meat! In terms of meat, I was thinking something along the lines of tender filet mignon, USDA approved sirloin steaks, and juicy prime ribs. They protein could be denatured for eating right in front of you upon the external combustion heating device, just the way you like it, with your choice of all the classic seasonings (I recommend good 'ole salt and pepper). We could also let you cook the meat yourself, and maybe say give you twenty to thirty minutes on the grill, because how long does it take to cook beef? For more exotic palates, we could have special offers for the more exotic parts of bovines. Finally, we could imitate the cookie dough fundraisers and send home chunks of cryogenized meat for Grandma to prepare with her secret recipe.

Plant matter could constitute of either vegetables or floral objects.

Perhaps I wasn't being fair to soybeans when I labeled its category "Hazardous soy products." You never know, however. Remember that it is possible that the soybean is a malevolent, sentient hive mind capable of mind control. I'm pretty sure that it wouldn't have gotten many more votes had I given it another name. Products may include high monosodium glutamate fermented essence of soy. While many types of bean curd may be sold, the odorous cousin known as Stinky Tofu WILL NOT be sold for the sake of public health.

Stationery consists of general office supplies, such as distracting exploding pens, and mechanical graphite pencils, commonly mistaken as lead pencils. Primitive wood-encased graphite pencils will probably be available as well. Compressed sheets of wood pulp fibers, rubber deletion devices, and rock paperweights from your backyard may be included. All stationary will probably be monogrammed with the school theme.

FINAL POLL RESULTS 2008/04/23 to 2008/05/01:

Total Votes: 58

A friend, Turkeyface, shall we say, told me to give out this little piece of advice from the Bad Driver's Handbook by Zack and Larry Arnstein:

Keep tofu in your car in case of bikers. When stuck in traffic with these carbon based bi-wheeled lifeforms, toss the tofu out the window. The biker will leap out of their way to retrieve the disgusting chunk of soy, preferably into the way of a speeding truck. In any case, take this opportunity to speed ahead

***APPENDED 2008/05/28
I didn't make it to the newspaper staff. At least I'm taking Advanced Orchestra.

Must I Explain?

Some say they hate school. Some say that the worst part of school is English (or math). Still others say the worst part of English is explaining.

Explaining is already annoying. Yes or no. That's all I want to give as an answer. It's really unfair, by the way. The teachers get to write one line while we have to write five in return.

The worst part of all is when you have to explain the obvious. There are times when I'd just like to throw my pen across the room and scream, "Because it is!!!" and crumple the paper up. I assume that whoever is going to read my work couldn't be so possibly stupid that they couldn't get the point after one or two sentences.

The teachers want us to make something out of nothing. Please write an entire page's worth of stuff for this one thing. But there's nothing to say! I've said what I've could say and they still want me write more! And so I sit there with my hand stroking my nonexistent beard trying to think of some fluff for my essay.

Conclusions are also annoying. We always have to sum things up, but it feels so much like repeating myself. I've already mentioned it once in the topic paragraph and another time in the body paragraphs. So, as per English writing standards, I am going to conclude this post by repeating myself: explaining stinks.

P.S.: At some point, I am also going to rant about the Modern Language Association. And symbolism.

HALF-BAKED IDEA: Pending revision for failure to meet Moufflets Quality Standards.

Moral Meat Eating

Why is it considered so bad to eat meat, health concerns aside?

Do people consider it cruel? Welcome to my world, a rather cruel one. That'll be a $50 entrance fee by the way. Animals die everyday because of the forests you clear to grow your soybeans. The plants make themselves food, the animals eat the food, and we eat the animals. We should consider ourselves lucky to be at the top of the food pyramid. I wouldn't want to be a cow in another world. My world is also a Darwinist one, among other things, and it's survival of the fittest, and as the fattest, I say we deserve to eat meat. In fact, it was eating meat that allowed us to first develop our abnormally large heads and meet that sometimes annoying speaker named Jiminy Cricket that says killing animals is bad.

Are you not being cruel to plants? Just because plants don't have that bundle of neurons that some of us know as a brain doesn't mean they're not sensitive to pain. When you continuously clip a plant, does it not grow in the other direction? Does its crunchy cry of death not make you think twice about eating it? The plants are still photosynthesizing when you mercilessly pull them by their roots out of the ground. Do weeds, as annoying as they are, not deserve to live among side your precious vegetables? This is a case of irrationality and human bias. Because plants are not warm and fuzzy and do not look cute, people do not have qualms about killing them.

So we have animal farms that take productivity a little too far. What about your plant farms? I'm sure plants don't like it when they're jammed together side by side in neat little rows and genetically modified and then sprayed with chemicals. Nor do they like roasting inside one of your greenhouses. When they're all nice and fattened, a big machine comes and violently rakes them out of the ground, after which they're sent to big factories where they're sliced and diced and made into chop suey.

If we didn't eat the animals, then they would multiply unchecked and upset the natural balance of things. Imagine all that bovine feces and flatulence we would have to face if cows were allowed to run rampant. Then they would eat all your plants and then where would you be? Resist the temptation ... resist it ... hah! Guess you're just going have to learn how to chug down some bloody protein.

So all you vegans out there: shut up about animal cruelty and go find some piece of green in the dirt to chew on. More meat for the rest of us.